I’ve Been Commissioned. But I’m Still Here.

“I’ve been commissioned. But I’m still here.   

A leader’s guide to answering God’s call to stay right where you are.” 

Rewind.  

‘If you feel like God is calling you into ministry, come down and pray.’ My 19-year-old self ran to the altar. Images of missions, teaching, and praying with others filled my young mind as I was commissioned in a group setting. Warm tears streamed down my face, and I told God I would do anything He wanted, and I would live my whole life for Him.  

Fast-Forward.

Marriage. Housework. Cooking. Working. Volunteering. Moving across the country. Kids. Autism Diagnosis. Working. Parenting. Therapy. Homeschooling. Marriage. Housework. Cooking. Volunteering. Meetings. Soccer. Dance. Moving across the country. Scouts. Appointments. Teaching. Homeschooling. Therapy. Dance. Working. Marriage. Volunteering.  

Stop. 

My calendar was full; each activity and appointment carefully lined up to overlap with the next. I had created the perfect blend of being busy, taking care of everyone around me, and avoiding the deep ache growing inside of me. There was safety in being busy – I could control everything. But something was missing. I wanted more. I wasn’t happy.   

Pause. 

As the weather began to get warm, I stood in the foyer of my new church and watched the swirl of movement. I listened to the laughter that didn’t include me, and loneliness enveloped my soul like a dark cloud. I heard the familiar whisper, ‘you don’t belong here. You’re not like them. Something is wrong with you.’ I wanted to leave, but my feet wouldn’t move. I wanted to sit with my busy calendar and be applauded for the schedule that I had orchestrated, but my friends and family were hundreds of miles away. My husband and kids went out to the car while the blur of activity slowed to a crawl. I spoke out loud: ‘God, I know there’s more. Help me to love these people the way you do. Help me to stay.’   

Play.  

I began a journey that day. A journey that went so far out of my comfort zone and created such an unexplainable amount of peace that I know, without a doubt, God put together the itinerary. My calendar began to slowly ease up as I made space for my family and for time alone. I gradually accepted myself, and I started working through my own insecurities. God was faithful to shine a light on each step (Psalm 119:105) and to provide people along my path who accepted me, who ministered to my racing heart, and who told me to ‘keep doing what I was doing’.   

Volume Down. Volume Up.  

And so here I am. I didn’t leave. I stayed, and I loved every person in front of me with every bit of love that He gave me. I served, and I did whatever was in front of me to do. I took one step at a time, and I found that as I remained faithful to my assignment, He remained faithful to me whatever it was that day. As I spent time in God’s word, He strategically placed opportunities and healthy friendships into my life again. The most significant part of this journey is that I’m no longer consumed with myself, what I’ll be doing next, and my feelings – I’m not worried about tomorrow (rumor has it that tomorrow has enough worries of its own). Still, I’m walking alongside the Holy Spirit, taking one step at a time.. crawling in the trenches, climbing up the mountains, and through it all, I must admit ... I’m enjoying the journey. Right where I am.